| "Sorry I was late, I got lost on the road of life." |
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| So Nick calls me up |
[24 Sep 2009|09:42pm] |
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Dreams of an Absolution - Silver's Theme |
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And says that if he disappears randomly it will because he's moved to Pennsylvania. His mother offered him a choice of jobs out there. Atleast 5 different gigs.
So I speak my mind. "Think it'd be possible for me to get one of those?"
Lights start flickering on, and all of a sudden I feel like I'm in a movie.
Nick - "Ya know, I might be able to hook you up. Dominic *another of my best friends* is trying to talk me out of it, saying 'You don't have any friends up there. You'll be all alone, you don't make friends easily.' *all of which is true.* But I told him if I was going up there, I'd bring either of the Steve's with me." *another of my best friends' name is Steve, we call him Mittens tho.*
Steven - "Haha, did you really say that?"
Nick - "Yeah... I was kidding at the time, but if you're down to go, I'll definitely ask. I know you're hurting for a job too. There is job running the antiques store that you'd probably love. Apartment right above it, you'd live there. I'd probably be working next door."
Initiate day dream sequence: Flash forward to a chilly Pennsylvania morning. Steven walks down the stairs of his apartment above the antiques shop where he works. As he goes to unlock the door, the camera pans out and a sign says "I assure you, we're open!"
Steven - "Man, that would be sick. It'd be just like Clerks. You working next door and shit. We could just chill. But I don't know what I'd do about my... Well, I guess I could just buy another TV when we get up there. What about my computer tho? Should I just build a new one?"
Nick - "Fuck it, just pack up some clothes, we'll throw our computers into the trunk of my car. Bring whatever else you want. Xbox. Whatever."
Steven - "Haha, yeah... that could work."
Cue first person camera showing the things Steven would bring on a move such as this. First the shirts he owns. Then show the game systems. Then all of his backpacks. Then his computer.
Steven - "Yeah man. I'm definitely all for this. In a heartbeat. Just say the word, BAM, I'm gone."
Nick - "It's a big move though. Week of driving at most."
Steven - "Fuck it. Blaze outta this town."
Nick - "For sure. My mom is calling me back Friday to let me know. I'll talk to her about you coming with. Would be sick being able to bring a friend on something like this."
Steven - "Alright man, I'll catch you later. Gonna head back to Kingdom Hearts 2."
Nick - "Peace. I'll call you Friday."
Camera lands dead center on Steven's face. He's awestruck. Flabbergasted. Astounded. He can't believe what could possibly be happening.
And that's where my little short film ended. I still can't really believe something like this could be happening. But I've never been one to turn down a golden opportunity. Get a new job, live in a new place, test out my social skills in a new setting.
But then I slept on it. I woke up the next day feeling... overwhelmed. Distraught. Could I really just uproot my life and move to the east coast? Would I be able to be away from all my friends? People I've grown up with? People I've shared so many memorable moments with?
Matthew brought up a point that it was a big deal, a huge decision, and could pretty much come back and bite me on the ass. I had already figured that out. But I also thought of the best case scenarios.
Could you imagine going away from your hometown for a few years only to come back and see everything stay the same? Or maybe even changing? Coming back married? Debt free? I'm sure those last two would not be happening hand in hand. Haha.
It's almost Friday. It seems more and more real as the day draws near.
I thought about it more. Would I want a huge gathering of people to see me off if it were to happen? Would I rather slip away under the cover of night. Just vanish without a word. A lot of people would be upset with me, I know. A LOT. But, I don't know if I'd be able to stand there in front of all my friends and loved ones, looking each one of you in the face, knowing I'd not be seeing that face again for an amazingly long time. I'd rather people's last memory of me not be me crying my eyes out. Haha. I don't want to seem like a bitch. =]
Aside from all this recently developing stuff, I did enjoy myself Tuesday night. Seeing RX Bandits on stage always lights a fire in my soul. Or lack of soul, Jewish, *overdone joke* blahblah.
Watching some of the most energetic people doing what they really, truly love, always inspires. And being there with some good friends is an amazing plus. Especially ones that buy you some Jägermiester, haha.
It was the thing I was looking forward to most this year, especially after becoming jobless and I can honestly say that it did not disappoint. =]
Hopefully tomorrow will bring news. I haven't decided which news is good and which is bad, but it will be news.
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| A little bit of sad revelation. |
[12 Sep 2009|10:40am] |
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Silver's Theme - Dreams of an Absolution |
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Ever since I was a little kid, maybe around 10 or so, my dream has always been to be a top notch chef. I made fun of a lot because of it and it really brought me down. Mainly from family members but a few friends did give me a little guff for it, but I'm no longer friends with those people.
Lately I've felt pretty useless and got back to thinking about trying to make my dream come true and head down the road to become a chef.
It all started when my mom offered to pay for school to get me out of the house. She just kept hounding me and hounding me on what I wanted to do with my life. To be completely honest, I'm still unsure, but man would I love to just cook. Spending time in the kitchen and frying, baking, grilling the day away would be so relaxing and fulfilling, especially knowing that people enjoyed my food from day to day.
One thing did get to me though and that's my allergies to fruit. Could I really be a good cook while being allergic to such a versatile and almost necessary component to cooking? It's the one thing keeping me back from just diving head first into this decision.
On a side note, I've been pretty much addicted to this song. So much so that I even went back to play the abysmally dreadful Sonic for Xbox360. Also, Scribblenauts comes out on the 15th but I received a link to download the game last night. I cannot wait to play this game.
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| Hi LJ. |
[08 Sep 2009|11:48pm] |
I just wanted to say that I love the internet and all of it's inhabitants.
I have some more things to say, but I'll get to that later.
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[28 May 2009|03:38pm] |
Generally you should run it by someone when you plan on giving away their stuff.
Thanks a lot.
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[19 May 2009|07:05am] |
man.
fuck my heart.
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| Open Up by Dispatch |
[28 Apr 2009|06:37am] |
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Open Up - Dispatch |
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This song has been stuck in my head for last couple days. I've always loved this song, but I never took the time to actually listen to the lyrics of the song.
And I must say, it's pretty effin' deep.
I definitely recommend checking out this band if you're into ska/reggae.
"So they took me down to the gallows/and this boy he said to me
Why do you smile when the rope's around your neck/I said I'll tell you boy when I get back."
Trippy but so wicked.
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[11 Apr 2009|05:15am] |
everything just got to me today.
so overwhelmed.
I'm glad to finally be home where I can just listen to some Special Others. Or drum it out. Or just sit here and maybe cry a little.
Anything really.
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| I feel like updating. |
[16 Mar 2009|02:02am] |
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Transformers - Never Surrender |
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I don't know why.
I've been so down lately. Like my stream of luck has just run out. Or maybe karma is catching up to me.
I'm at home and I can't sleep. I just sit here. Talking to people online and feeling like utter crap.
Hate isn't a strong enough word to describe how much I oppose this type of feeling.
I guess I've been feeling nothing short of useless for the last couple months. No job. No school. No license. No anything to claim my own.
Gotta get back on my feet and just gun for it.
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| Week 3 and 4 |
[22 Jan 2009|01:37pm] |
Week 3: Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations.
Week 4: Megaman ZX, Megaman ZX Advent, Professor Layton and the Curious Village
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| Weeks 1 and 2 |
[13 Jan 2009|02:39pm] |
Week 1: Eternal Sonata, Metal Gear Solid 4, Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
Week 2: The World Ends With You
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| I hate the holidays. |
[25 Dec 2008|06:25pm] |
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Johnathan Coulton - Baby Got Back |
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I think my new years resolution is to let everything go.
In order to let everything go, I need to talk to her.
I have to just say everything I've been thinking about for the last couple years.
As sad as it is I just keep thinking about it. I think about all the time spent together.
All the time leading up to when everything happened.
How I used to have the patience of a fucking rock.
Back when I didn't know any better.
Back when I was the worst person in the world.
I still am a terrible person. No one ever lets me admit it. No one lets me allow it to be true.
I don't know why. What's wrong with me knowing how shitty of a person I am?
Maybe I've changed. I'm fairly certain I've changed. In fact. I really have.
I'm the same person I used to be, but with just a little bit more experience under my belt.
I was always in the wrong with how I acted. I was the jealous boyfriend. I was the untrusting boyfriend. I was the boyfriend who just couldn't let shit go. I was the worst kind of boyfriend.
It'll be 3 years on January first. 3 years to the last day I felt close to you. I picked you up from that party and we went back to my place. We spent the night together, one final time.
Then it was just done. You got serious with that fucker, Kyle. That's when I lost it. I just truly lost it. I almost died that night I found out. I'm surprised my phone still worked after what I did to it. You lied to me. You FUCKING LIED TO MY FACE. The one thing I couldn't stand.
Yeah, I should have kept it cool. We could have still be friends. We could have been the best of friends. But no. Fuck that. FUCK THAT. I spent a good 4 years prior, trying to make things come to fruition with us. I had you as everything and I wasn't going to settle for anything less.
I was stubborn. I really was. I wasn't going to have that.
It's been almost 3 years. I've become a whole new person. I've become Scuba. Everyone loves Scuba. He's so awesome. Great to be around. But he's just enough of a douche to the point where you're cautious of him. I've strayed away from Steven. The old me. The timid motherfucker who has the hardest time just even thinking a girl is beautiful because he knows she'll never go for him. He still surfaces from time to time. Like when I try to be close to another girl. He freaks out. He gets so scared. He engulfs me. Consumes me. My old self comes through, utterly messing everything up. "She'll never love you." "She'll leave you just like everyone else did." "You're not good enough for her." "You really haven't learned your lesson have you?"
Maybe it's not all me? Maybe it's the girls I go for? Maybe I just go for the wrong ones? Maybe I just read too much or too little into it?
I haven't been in a relationship since you. I haven't the heart or the soul or the strength to really try. Sure, I've made moves towards girls, but I never go through with it.
I don't want to end up like I was, 3 years ago, that wrecked, destroyed man. I'm a pessimist at heart. And can you really blame me?
I wanna tell you how much I've changed.
How I no longer have any of those bad traits.
How I'm such a better person because of everything that's happened between us.
I just want to tell you everything. I wanna tell you I'm sorry. Sorry for everything I did to you. I want you to know how sincere I am, from the bottom of my heart. I want you to know the pain I've felt because of everything I did to you.
I don't want to share it with you. I don't even want you to accept my apology. But you knowing that I'm sorry, and that I'm trying to be better for it. That would make me whole again. In fact. I could say all this to you and walk away. Never hearing what you had to say about it. And I would still be okay. I'd truly have the closure I so desperately want.
I'll never get that though. I'm so scared to even see a picture of you. My heart races. My blood runs cold. I can't talk. I can't breathe.
I try to keep a little part of you around. Piercings, tattoos, drinking. It reminds me of you. Remember that day I got all upset that you wanted to go out drinking with your friends? I made such a big deal about it. I used to be that straight edge-ish guy. Haha, how times have changed.
I don't miss you. I just want you to know my story. I want you to know I'm more alive than ever.
I want you to know that I don't need you anymore. I really don't. I'm finally done. Well, I want to finally be done. I'm ready to move on. I just hope I let myself. I can't honestly say I don't love you anymore. But I'm sure ready to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Stream of consciousness eh?
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[13 Nov 2008|10:12pm] |
know what sucks?
spilling your heart to someone.
and have them saying nothing.
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| So |
[26 Aug 2008|10:37am] |
My dog, Teddy, passed away last night. And I didn't find out until I got home from work this morning.
What a way to start a day, right? =[
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| I love my friend Jared. |
[12 Jun 2008|07:08pm] |
itsaluvdub (7:05:52 PM): brandon fraiser died ='[
mynameisstevene (7:05:59 PM): ....
itsaluvdub (7:06:03 PM): i really did not expect that
mynameisstevene (7:06:04 PM): are you serious?
itsaluvdub (7:06:16 PM): err his character in scrubs
mynameisstevene (7:06:23 PM): OH
mynameisstevene (7:06:23 PM): OMG
mynameisstevene (7:06:32 PM): you scared the shit out of me
itsaluvdub (7:06:38 PM): haha
mynameisstevene (7:06:44 PM): I opened up Digg, CNN, TMZ and Perez Hilton all at once
itsaluvdub (7:06:54 PM): lmao
itsaluvdub (7:07:01 PM): I <3 encino man
mynameisstevene (7:07:24 PM): haha
mynameisstevene (7:07:25 PM): ya
mynameisstevene (7:07:35 PM): Goddammit, I hate you.
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[03 Jun 2008|02:18am] |
My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness to Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
| You are not generally self conscious about yourself, however you feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. Your sense of duty and obligation is average and although you are mostly responsible you can sometimes be unreliable.
| Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.
Chocolate Ugg Boots |
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[27 Apr 2008|01:35am] |
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Holy shit, I fucking suck at Rockband. =[
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[16 Apr 2008|02:30pm] |
I still think she is way too pretty to even talk to me.
But I am in such a good mood.
<SDUOFGIFAFIUASDITF(W&TGU&*
So happy I finally grew a pair of fucking balls. Bwahah.
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[25 Mar 2008|02:13am] |
*Thursday night: Got drunk at Andy's birthday party.
*Friday night: Had a shot of Jack with Jay at his going away party.
*Saturday night: Got fucking plastered and made out with a coworker, apparently.
*Sunday night: Felt like shit all day.
*Monday night: Got slightly drunk at Remedy's. Finally told the girl I like how I feel and got some kisses out of it.
All in all, a great, great weekend.
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